GySgt Metcalfe arrives home after a long day at work.
Female Marines are sometimes called the fewest of the few, a minority within an elite group. What do these brave women go through on a daily basis as they try to raise families, how do they feel about working in a male-dominated Marine Corps and how do they handle the unique stresses associated with the Corps? Gunnery Sergeant Metcalfe shares the joys and difficulties of raising a daughter while serving in the Marine Corps.
It is shortly after 5 pm and Erin Metcalfe is home from work but not finished with her day. Her daughter Shaylin waits to be picked up from an after school program, dinner needs cooking and homework needs reviewing. Such is the life of most single mothers who carry the responsibility of two parents. But Erin is not any single mom. Erin is a Gunnery Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps.
She and daughter Shaylin now 8 years old live in base housing. Shaylin attends a DOD school a few blocks away and life, for the most part, is similar to any other single parent household. But unlike most single moms, in addition to her regular work, Erin’s job requires standing duty, TAD, physical training, and attending various military schools.
In an article entitled, The Demographics of Military Children and Families, authors Molly Clever and David R. Segal point out the challenges faced by military families, “The military’s demands include the risk of injury or death…; separations from family; frequent moves; living in foreign countries; long and unpredictable duty hours; pressure to conform to high standards of behavior; and a male-oriented culture. People in many occupations experience some of these demands, but service members and their families are likely to experience all of them often in a relatively short time.”1 The article points out the complexity of family life in the Marine Corps, a lifestyle very different from the one GySgt Metcalfe left 18 years ago.
Erin Metcalfe in High School
Why Join the Marine Corps?
In a small town in upstate New York Erin took accelerated high school classes and became captain of the cheerleading squad. But after graduation, she knew she did not have the discipline for college and did not want to burden her single mom with college costs. Erin described how a chance meeting with a Marine recruiter at work one day prompted her to consider a career in the Marine Corps. “I told him (the recruiter) I would come in and speak with him and I really liked the opportunities the Marine Corps could offer to me, in particular, the schooling and being able to travel. I also liked the idea of serving my country.” Erin longed to get out of her small town and travel the world but she did not know how she would save enough money to leave. The recruiter had an option that would allow her to serve her country, travel, and support herself along the way. He had no doubt Erin would handle the rigors of boot camp, but he worried she might have a problem with the minimal shower time during training.
Erin smiles as she remembers, “I was the girl who wouldn’t leave the house without her make-up and her hair done. Boot camp challenged me and made me realize I was a lot stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally than I ever thought I was.” At 19, Erin joined the Marine Corps and went to Parris Island where she discovered she had an inner strength to help her make it through boot camp and thrive in her new career until an accident almost forced her to leave the Corps.
Negotiating the Skyscraper on the Confidence Course
Drill Instructor School
After ten years in the Corps, Metcalfe returned to Parris Island to attend Drill Instructor school. Towards the end of her 13-week training, she fell off the second rung of the obstacle course, landed on her head and shattered her wrist. Doctors put Titanium plates and screws in her arm and sent her to physical therapy. Being dropped from DI school and in physical therapy twice a week for 15 months almost ended her career. “If I wasn’t able to hang on the bar to do a flex arm hang; I would have been medically separated from the Marine Corps because of that injury,” Her wrist crackles as she extends her hand to show the scars. The pain continues to this day. “I have arthritis already in my pinky and I find that my grip is extremely hindered,” She says as she wiggles the tiny digit.
Being a Single Mom
A year later her daughter Shaylin was born. “I had Shaylin and there were many times I couldn’t hold her, console her, and pat her on the back, stuff like that because of the pain I was experiencing in my arm.” For the next three years, Erin worked through the pain and continued to show her exemplary leadership qualities as a Marine and mother. Then she received orders to a deployable unit in California.
Erin & daughter Shaylin
Working in a Deployable Unit
Knowing that soon after she arrived at her new duty station she would deploy for a year, GySgt Metcalfe had to make some difficult choices. Small waves ripple through her blue eyes as she describes her decision, “I had never been away from Shaylin for longer than 24 hours while standing duty… So she went with Grandma at the age of three … and I went out there, checked in, found out that I wasn’t deploying right away. “ For six months Metcalfe waited for an opening in an approved Child Development Center. Then an opportunity to attend Career Course came along. Completing the course would make her competitive for a promotion. “…it’s those types of tough decisions that you balance. You want to better your career but not at the sacrifice of your relationship with your child. At the same time, you must do what you need to do to better care for your child.” So Shaylin continued staying with her grandmother while GySgt Metcalfe attended the Career Course and waited to be deployed.
Once in Afghanistan Erin did her best to remain close to her daughter despite the distance. In order to call Shaylin, Erin took a number and waited to use one of the ten phones located in an MWR tent. Unfortunately, spotty telephone connections and long lines left the Gunny without phone access; many times she waited for more than a week before hearing her daughter’s voice. “I would still e-mail my mother at work so I would know how Shaylin was doing but I wouldn’t be able to hear her sweet little voice for another week or so and she wouldn’t be able to hear mine.”
“I would still e-mail my mother at work so I would know how Shaylin was doing but I wouldn’t be able to hear her sweet little voice for another week or so and she wouldn’t be able to hear mine.”
There were work challenges for GySgt Metcalfe in Afghanistan too. She was attached to a Regiment consisting of mostly male Marines. Three days after her arrival, the Regimental Sgt Maj talked to her about how she was to conduct herself. Metcalfe assured him he would have no issues with her. Unfortunately female Marines must still deal with the stereotypical attitude that they will display inappropriate behavior while on the FOB (Forward Operating Base). For Erin, the facilities would prove to be more of an obstacle.
Tent in Afghanistan.
(U.S. Marine Corps photo illustration by Lance Cpl. Andrew Johnston)
Close Quarters
Female Marines lived in groups of 8 to a tent while their male counterparts bunked 10-15 men to a tent which sounds comfortable for the women, but the female heads (a Naval term for bathrooms), were located farther away from their living quarters and were not used as often as the male facilities. The inactivity allowed water pipes to freeze up and the female Marines sometimes endured days without running water. Water trickled out of the spigot barely supplying enough liquid to brush her teeth; showers were a luxury. In the crowded male facilities, all of the showers worked and had hot water. At one point GySgt Metcalfe commandeered a male head so she could wash her hair.
Adjusting to Life after Deployment
While Erin worked overseas, Shaylin developed a deeper connection to her maternal grandmother and did not appear to realize how long her mother was gone. “…I remember coming back from deployment and having a moment in Walmart when I said ‘Do you remember when mommy was gone for so long?’ and she said, ‘ but you came right back.’ And I saw the joy in her face; she had almost completely forgotten how long I was gone. I cried right there in the aisle as if a burden lifted off of me.”
“…I remember coming back from deployment and having a moment in Walmart when I said ‘Do you remember when mommy was gone for so long?’ and she said, ‘ but you came right back.’ And I saw the joy in her face; she had almost completely forgotten how long I was gone. I cried right there in the aisle as if a burden lifted off of me.”
Like many single mothers, Erin must do the job of both parents; in addition because of her occupation other family members such as grandparents live too far away to act as daily additional support. Molly Clever and David R. Segal, explain in their article, “Because personnel cannot expect to be stationed close to their extended families, single parents in the military are often isolated from the kind of family networks that can greatly help single civilian parents.”1
Without family members or a husband she relies on her chain of command, the people in supervisory roles above her, to understand when problems such as an illness come up. But there is a fine line between understanding and special treatment. Tough choices, like standing duty instead of asking for the day off for her daughter’s birthday, helped GySgt Metcalfe keep the respect of her peers; she wanted to be sure they knew she pulled her own weight.
On Shaylin’s 5th birthday Erin was assigned duty. “Yes I could have gone out of my way to make arrangements or say ‘Hey, it’s my daughter’s birthday can I have that day off?’ But there are times when male Marines miss the birth of their children. They miss those experiences so there’s a part of me that thinks well, I’ve been deployed and away from Shaylin for 6 months and now I’m able to drop her off at school and pick her up almost every day. This duty lasts one day and she’s so young she won’t mind that we celebrate her birthday on Friday vice Wednesday.”
Shaylin had 2 birthday celebrations that year, one with her babysitter and another with her mother. Erin says, “She thought that was the greatest thing since sliced bread so there are times I feel that to not have to put up with the backlash or repercussion from your peers you have to make some decisions so that doesn’t happen.”
When Erin picks up Shaylin from school, the other kids stare and say, “Your mom is a Marine?” Even in a DOD school, Marine moms are rare, in most cases dads are Marines. Shaylin likes the fact that her mommy is a Marine, but she’s told Erin she doesn’t want to be a Marine when she grows up because she sees how hard it is on her mom.
GySgt Erin Metcalfe in Civilian Attire
For example being a Marine requires passing physical fitness tests on a regular basis. PT is a part of GySgt Metcalfe’s daily routine. Her morning starts at 4:30 a.m. and doesn’t end until 9 or 10 pm. “Half the time I’m in the kitchen making dinner in my Cammies because I have a hungry child. As soon as Shaylin walks in the door, I’m going over her homework, making sure she gets her bath or running her off to soccer practice…”
In most civilian jobs, no one at work cares if an employee gains a few pounds, Marines, however, must maintain a specific weight. GySgt Metcalfe, now 37 years old sometimes struggles to meet the weight requirements. She maintains her slim figure by eating mostly vegetables and PTing every day to keep her weight at the acceptable limit.
GySgt Metcalfe deals with stresses at work too. Gunnery Sergeants fulfill a supervisory role by overseeing junior Marines at work. In addition to making sure the work gets done, she is a Uniformed Victim Advocate, a collateral duty that involves providing information, guidance and support to Marines and Sailors who have been sexually assaulted. Some days GySgt Metcalfe comes home after work overwhelmed and exhausted. Her daughter sees how the job affects her mother, “Shaylin is a sweetheart, and she is very empathetic. She understands. She sees when Mommies tired; she sees when I’m upset.” Erin’s lip quivers, “She’ll tell me, ‘Mommy I hope you have a better day today. Or ‘It’s okay mommy I still love you.’”
Even though Shaylin sees the stresses of military life she experiences advantages too. Unlike Erin who spent her childhood in one place, Shaylin travels. Her mother brings her to new duty stations and takes her on trips to visit her relatives. At the age of 8, she has traveled across the country from New York to California and up and down the East Coast.
As a dependent, Shaylin interacts with people from many different backgrounds in the Marine Corps and the surrounding areas of each duty station. Erin, who came from a small town, loves the exposure Shaylin experiences from meeting people from all walks of life.
By watching her mother work in a field dominated by men, Shaylin knows she will grow up to be a strong, independent woman one day. Erin says “…I always try to express to her that she can do anything that she wants to do. If she wanted to play football right now I would let her go play football. It’s whatever she wants to do in life;… I’m behind her 100%.”
As her career winds down, aching joints from her boot camp and Drill instructor school injuries are a constant reminder of what she accomplished during her 17 years in the Corps and a daily drag on her energy. Even so GySgt Metcalfe is proud to be a single mother; proud of the beautiful daughter she is raising; and proud to be a member of the fewest of the few, a female Marine.
“…I feel it’s a blessing to wear my uniform! I worked damn hard for it and I consider it an honor. I wear my Eagle Globe and Anchor for those Marines that can no longer wear the uniform, whether it be because they’ve lost their life defending our nation or they’ve been medically retired from injuries they’ve received in combat. I wear it for them!!”
“…I feel it’s a blessing to wear my uniform! I worked damn hard for it and I consider it an honor. I wear my Eagle Globe and Anchor for those Marines that can no longer wear the uniform, whether it be because they’ve lost their life defending our nation or they’ve been medically retired from injuries they’ve received in combat. I wear it for them!!”
1 Molly Clever and David R. Segal, “The Demographics of Military Children and Families,” The Future of Children 23, no. 2, Military Children and Families (FALL 2013), pp. 13-39, accessed July, 15, 2015, http://www.militarychild.org/public/upload/files/23_02_FullJournal.pdf
